


Situation: Ninja

by brilligspoons



Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Crack, Gen, Zombies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-28
Updated: 2012-06-28
Packaged: 2017-11-08 18:20:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 993
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/446124
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brilligspoons/pseuds/brilligspoons
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everyone hates zombie ninjas, <i>especially</i> Tony Stark.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Situation: Ninja

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the [zombiFICation](http://zombi-fic-ation.livejournal.com/) prompt: _Everyone hates zombie ninjas._

Tony doesn't blame Bruce.

Well, that's not entirely true. Not exactly, anyway. Bruce Banner can be blamed for a lot of things, up to and including the five microwaves that go missing from the kitchen in quick succession, but Tony admits (reluctantly) that most of them are pet peeves; Steve's forbidden him from locking Bruce out of Stark Tower just because he leaves wet towels on the bathroom floor after he's showered, for example. Tony manages to get revenge here and there, though - he gets a kick out of reminding him that it's his fault Steve and Tony had sex that one time, which makes Bruce turn this really fascinating shade of green every single time it's brought up.

Luckily the zombie virus - _neural degenerative viral infection_ , to be specific, but Barton and Pepper both roll their eyes at Tony when he corrects them, and he really hates it when they do that - can't be traced back to any of Bruce's current projects. It's a little suspicious, however, when Tony questions him about possibly developing a cure of some kind and his eyes go all shifty.

"Stop saying this is my fault," he says when Tony's glare becomes too obvious.

"I wasn't saying it was," replies Tony, though he has been thinking it off and on for the last few hours.

"I've known you long enough that I can tell when you're accusing me of something in your head."

Which is a fair point, Tony admits. He's never exactly been one to hide his opinions of other people, friends most definitely included. "Fine, fine. Just tell me what you know."

Very little, apparently. He gives Tony some names of ex-colleagues who had, last he'd heard, been working on a version of the super soldier serum. He also informs Tony that three of those scientists have died recently in mysterious circumstances.

"Mysterious," Tony repeats.

"Yes, well," Bruce says.

Tony rubs a hand over his face and turns to stare at the wall. "So this is a terrible situation."

Steve chooses that moment to stick his head into the room. "Were we aware of the zombie-things outside, or is that a new development?"

"Working on it," they say simultaneously.

Steve nods and grabs his shield from where it'd been resting against the wall. "If you need me, I'll be, uh, you know. Fighting zombies." He sounds unreasonably gleeful at the prospect.

Tony sighs. _Never letting Natasha pick the movies for team bonding night ever again._

***

He's is almost disappointed when the first of Bruce's ex-colleagues turns out to have all of the necessary data and formulas on hand for them when they arrive at her apartment.

"The phone lines and internet have been down for the last few days," she tells them as she barricades the door after they've entered. "So I would have called or emailed you sooner. Also if the streets weren't overrun with zombies, I -"

"Basically you've been sitting on your ass this whole time," Tony says. He steps into her personal space, towering over her in the armor, and she backs up until she's up against her dining room table. "We've known about the outbreak for ten days, and you couldn't be bothered to walk down the one flight of stairs to your car and drive to New York?" She starts to sweat visibly and reaches for something on the table behind her. Tony takes another step forward but stops when she holds out a thumb drive. "And what's this supposed to be?"

"Notes about the formulas we were testing to use as cures," she squeaks. Tony rolls his eyes behind the faceplate.

"Great. Thanks for your cooperation," he says, and then he grabs Steve and flies them back to the city.

***

And things would have been fine after that, really, if it hadn't been for the _motherfucking zombie ninjas_ showing up out of nowhere.

"Things I didn't sign up for," Barton says as he shoots off a series of arrows with explosive tips, "a comprehensive list: zombies who want to tear my head off and eat my brain."

"I'll avoid the obvious joke here, but only because I'm too busy being pissed off about the fucking ninjas," replies Tony. He crushes one ninja's head before blasting another sneaking up behind Natasha. "I _hate_ ninjas, zombie or otherwise. Where the hell is Banner with that vaccine?"

Steve's shield spins just over his head and ricochets off the wall behind him to knock a zombie down from the wall. "Just came from there," he says. "Pepper found some spray bottles to put the vaccine in, they'll be up from the lab in a sec."

"I don't know if they've noticed," replies Tony, "but these aren't exactly cats we're fighting. Though I suppose I can understand how they could confuse the two."

Pepper bursts into the room decked out in what looks like pieces of scrap metal and an unfinished helmet from one of Tony's suits. She looks ridiculous, but Tony can't find it in him to mock her for protecting herself with whatever she could lay her hands on. She's wielding two spray bottles filled with clear liquid, and as the first zombie ninja leaps in her direction, she lets out a loud war cry and squirts it in the face. The zombie immediately screams in pain and falls to the floor, twitches for a few moments, and then stills completely.

"So," Natasha says. "Not really a cure, then."

"Seriously? Are you actually going to complain about this?" demands Tony. Pepper continues to run through the room, yelling at the top of her lungs and taking out as many zombies in five minutes as they had in the last hour. "I can't even believe this is happening right now."

"Less chatting, more slaying," Steve tells him before charging after Pepper.

_Upgrading the situation from 'terrible' to 'fucking awful',_ Tony thinks, and then he flies head first into the newest wave of ninjas.


End file.
